I AM HAPPY TODAY

 So whenever you see a story about a blog I wrote in instagram, you are most likely destined to go into this hollowness filled with nothing but brisk dark void and a painful scream echoing in a distant.

BUT NOT TODAY. Haha. 

Today I am here, surprisingly, writing about happiness and again surprisingly with a very big smile and bright eyes, as bright eyed as a brown man can be and a shinning hope for life, colours, rainbows, sunshine. So what happened? How did I go from a sad blog writer to a happy blog writer in mere 32 days?  Well I fell in love. 

I don't know how I ended up here but let me try to explain. I found myself staring at a giant graffiti on a building next to a Church where they apparently shot the boys, THE BOYS, as in the tv series not actual boys, but I don't know about that, churches are always very eerie to me, so some boys might have been shot inside as well, again I don't know about that. Anyway, so I was walking through the street and saw this giant graffiti on a building next to the church. The graffiti was of these brown empowered woman with LGBT colours flying through their chest and I live nearby the graffiti now so  I have seen it numerous times but that day when I was passing through it, I happened to stare at it for a second longer than I should've which prompted me to miss the traffic crossing and I had to wait for the traffic signal to allow me to walk again. There I stood, again, for a second longer than I should've which prompted me to well chain of events miss my train. So imagine this, I stared at a graffiti about empowering gay black woman which ended up causing me to be late for school by like an hour or so. And that is when I- 

You are probably thinking I met some girl and fell in love, flowers, roses, sunshines. What a beautiful story but sadly or not sadly actually, that's not what happened. Honestly, I do sometimes wish I was in one of those K-dramas (I don't watch them I just assume they are stupid), where I will miss the train and a beautiful girl like Aishwarya Rai (not the Bachan- just her younger self but I wouldn't mind her older self as well) will you know miss her train too and then she trips over and lands in my arms and people gather around us throwing flowers and singing an Italian song, for some reason, and then we get married and live happily ever after but- well that's never happening, mostly cause if my life was a K-drama (again I don't watch them) I would probably be the bald guy who is angrily stomping a newspaper in the background because he missed his morning coffee. Anyway- 

And that is when I realized wait a minute, I am not upset right now, like really, just straight up not upset, after years. I have had this small smile or lets say, smirk, in my face the whole time. When I was staring at the rainbow ladies, I didn't feel heavy. When I was waiting for the traffic light to change, I didn't feel heavy. When I missed the train, I felt like yelling "Fuck off" but again I didn't feel heavy. Something had happened, something had changed. Because- flashback- I remember waking up everyday with a sense of this heaviness, void, heavy heaviness. This heaviness that has been carried within me for a long long time. Ever since I lost my grand ma. Ever since I lost my people. I have had this burden in my heart, staying, lingering, deepening. But- when I missed the train, it hit me, I suddenly didn't have the heavy weight holding my soul down anymore. I hadn't carried it for some time now and this reminded me of the feeling I had- 

When I was in love, the world seemed so beautiful and the trees gleaming just for me and everyone else felt just like NPCs of GTA NEPAL where you know they are doing some random shit that has no meaning but me, us, well the universe was shaped in a way that would fit our love. I felt like there was no baggage to offload anymore and my feet as light as ever, it's like the feeling of being high but like together, without drugs. That exact feeling, well not that exact but close, I felt it while I was waiting for the other subway and I wondered what happened. What happened? Well - again I fell in love. 

Okay too much of anticipation. I am just going to straight up spoil it for you. I fell in love with myself. 

Booo- gay- Fucking shit- all of this bullshit build up was for this shit?- Boo (throws tomatoes) 

Before you rise your pitch forks and apply for the Canadian visa just to stab me to death let me explain. 

I have finally found a way to love myself. After years of struggling with looking at the mirror and smiling, I found a way that I could look at myself and feel compassion. I found a way to let my body rest when it's sleeping and found a way to let it breath when it feels like it. I have found a way that has helped me cope with pain and cope with the heaviness. That way is honestly, just pushing myself everyday to work hard on my dreams and do gym. I wake up everyday, my mind is filled with visuals and dreams and ideas and stories. I go through my day, do adult stuff and apparently god is looking down on me faithfully because now some of my adult stuff involves this hard working dream of mine. I am constantly working on a film, something, all the time. I edit for clients and though- I don't enjoy all of them, its closer to being a filmmaker than lets say working in a cafe. I edit, I write, I beg people to help me make a film and apparently, I am a good enough guy that people are willing to be like- "Eh, okay stop bothering me, I will help you make a film"And I haven't felt lighter enough although everyday the pressure on me grows heavier and heavier but I enjoy this pressure. I like this enormous stress that I have. All my life I have wanted this stress. You know, whats the scene about? Where I am shooting? What's the budget? All of that shit. Again, I am in no way a full time filmmaker at all now but- I am doing more- writing and you know just thinking about making films than ever before. 

I have to do a blocking for a scene tonight and also do have some adult work to do but I am glad I have the pressure of actually shooting a scene rather than you know, cooking food ( I will starve myself to death but not cook). So- I will end this blog, for the first time, prematurely, because I gota go work on this short COMEDY scene, yup your boi is doing a comedy scene now for some reason and apparently in October he is also doing a K-drama romantic shit and looks forward to suffer more. 

Saying all this- I still want to say, I have enough sadness and enough economical pressure on me as well but I guess, what's the point on suffering about all of that when i can wake up and live my life the way I want to. That's why nothing has stopped me and nothing ever will. I wake up everyday and push myself to make films anyway I can. 

In conclusion, I said goodbye a while ago but I think this is important. Nobody gives a shit about you, so why don't you stop all of that shit and just live your life. Now am I saying fuck responsibilities? No. I am the eldest son in my family and I have my responsibilities, I just know that this road of mine is the road that is going to help me take care of my family and not just be another bum who spent his life behind a desk thinking about what could've been. If I succeed, great, you all will know my name and comment on the RONB post saying, "Oh I knew he would make it." but If I don't succeed, yall will forget me but for me at least I will be smiling and writing a blog like this.