I'd rather be alone

"If all I see is your face, I'd rather be alone"

22 and October 22, Toronto, Ontario

Look at the faceless gentleman in this painting. Sitting across the bar in his own space. The world outside is empty and the world inside "Phillies" is empty too, in a different way. With his head down, pointed at perhaps a glass of whiskey in front of him. I wonder what he's thinking. I can't tell because he is facing away from me. If he were to turn around, maybe I could have a hint of him. A hint of what he wants to say but he never will turn around and I will never know him. 

But- even the faces I see, the couple in the painting. The lady in red and the gentleman in his lovely blue feel deserted. Their hands slightly touching but only "slightly". There is no sense of intimacy. They might go home and fuck for all I know but "make love" they will not. 

The bartender who appears to be an old man positioned in such a way as if he is talking. Talking about a story that he repeats every now and then. Hoping people will hear him. But they do not and he might be aware of that, yet he persists. 

What intrigues me about this painting and the reason I started this blog with this painting is the fact that Edward Hopper manages to show a world inside a world. He shows the characters in all three different postures, two facing us, one's profile and the other facing away yet he has framed it in such a way that you can't know or understand any of them and I wonder isn't that what adulthood feels like? 

1. the guy facing away

I live inside "Phillies". I am the guy that likes to hide his face now. I've built a safe warm cocoon for myself but sometimes it tends to bleed a little and break but the fact that I've built up a cocoon for myself is quiet baffling to me cause I never wanted to. 

I wanted to smile with people and just talk about stuff and you know just be a friendly guy overall but what I've become is a people hater, for lack of a better word. I usually hate social gatherings unless its about films. I hate talking about unnecessary stuff with unnecessary people. I hate seeing them yap and I hate the fragile image they want to be seen as. I believe I have made myself  see the worst in people first, even before I speak. 

If I were to count my friends on my fingers, honestly, right now, I'd count one. I don't see most of these people as friends, everyone is just a fellow traveler traveling in my direction. They might care about me a little. They might you know like, like me and talk to me but do I feel a deep connection with them?

No. 

There is no friend here and I don't want anybody to be a friend anymore because when you open up to people and they scar you, even with little hints, you get tired. You close yourself and I'd like to close myself forever. Like that guy turning his face away. I am tired of people. Let me just make movies and live my life and die. I'd rather be alone, until I go away. 

2. the couple

I don't even want to start talking about this. I have no idea whats happening. I don't have the energy or the time to spend on this anymore. I can't talk to someone all over again about myself and catch them up on my lore and I don't want to catch up on anybody's lore either. It's tiring. Exhausting even. Just like the couple in blue and red. I relate to their inability to see each other or the decision of wanting to not see. 

The only reason I tend to seek romantic love is because of the natural human tendency built in me.  It gets lonely sometimes but I have no desire to be in love anymore. I don't want to go through all the build up, love, romance, heartbreaks and all of that crap anymore. I don't even feel attracted to people. I might admire their beauty but if all I see is your face, I'd rather be alone. 

That's that for this part. If my future lover were to see this someday just know I never wanted to love you. So if I did, you must have been a god damn miracle. 

        

3. the old yapper

Haha. Isn't this blog a representation of old guy yapping. You reader, you barely give a shit about what I say. I keep this in my close story and 3 of you will read it till here maybe 10 but nobody cares. For you all this is nothing but a very well put together writings by a bald guy in his 20s. If you want to text me or talk to me after reading this, kindly fuck off.  I've written way darker things back in my older blogs and nobody heard me. "Nice blog". "I read it". "I liked it". haha- do you guys even read the words? What do you mean you "liked my blog"?, You liked that I confessed about my deep rooted flaws? The fuck?  and by the way Do you think I give a fuck if you liked it ?

- and yet I write don't I? And yet I share this with you, don't I ? Isn't that ironic? Haha. 

I am the old yapper. The guy who writes hoping people listen but all they listen is the music behind me. And when you stand up and point it out, like I did in this blog, they will talk to you, fake. So when I said I had one friend. I meant it. That one friend is me. I am the guy. I am my friend and I am happy as shit in my own "Phillies". I might drink whiskey and stare at the cup for hours but that's because I want to and that's okay. 

I never wanted to be like this. I wanted to listen you speak and make you hear me but all you do is "fabricate" yourself and fake your listenings. You listen not because you want to, you listen because you are alone too, same goes for me. We are not friends. I am the old yapper and for me you are the guy facing away. 

This is my first blog where I explode my hatred on to people. Let me explode one more hatred.

" NEPALI AUDIENCES SUCK and DO NOT DESERVE MY FILMS "

- 12:19 AM, signing off.