A YEAR AND SOME MORE IN UNCERTAINTY

 A momentary relapse, it's been a year since I last wrote a blog. And here I am again today, after a year, I don't know if I will write daily now or if I will never write again, all I know is I want to spill my thoughts right now and share them with people who might care. 

The title of this blog will be - 
                                                A YEAR AND SOME MORE IN UNCERTAINTY  

A lot has happened after I last wrote about my thoughts on mortality. I re-read it today and just looked back at myself. Looked back at my thoughts and my concept of happiness. I have written about "passion" about chasing your dreams and about "satisfaction". I have written it with so much confidence-, as if I knew the answers, I knew life, and I knew what I was doing. Well after a year, after days of living the "dream life" here I am reflecting at it and realizing that I was wrong. It was just a naïve thought of a grieving child. 

NAIVE THOUGHTS OF A GRIEVING CHILD

I had just lost my grandmother and was in my mourning phase. I had lost the most important person in my life. There was not a single day I hadn't cried and on top of that, I had taken a daring decision in my life of pursuing "film making" as my career. The last blog I wrote, I don't think it was for anyone else but me, I wrote it because I had to convince myself what I was doing was right and what I was doing was brave of me and I was inspiring people and chasing my dream and all that but- now, after a year of "chasing my dream" I have fallen back from the clouds, fallen back to the ground, hard. I have chosen a different road, one that's not so romantic, one that contradicts my own thoughts about living a life but one that I think is a must. 

CONTRADICTING MY OWN THOUGHTS ABOUT LIVING A LIFE

I have chosen to leave film school for a career in IT in America. I hope I get the visa though. And yeah, it sucks, leaving your family, leaving your dreams, leaving a road that seems oh so beautiful but guess what, when reality hits you it hits you fucking hard. It's like Mike Tyson punching a newly born baby. It hurts a lot but what if I tell you that maybe everyone needs a Mike Tyson to hit them so hard that they can truly get a view of who and where they are. See, I am suddenly not against people chasing their dreams, No, in fact, I myself am going to chase my dreams of being a filmmaker but just through the lenses of reality and I don't want to tell you what's right and what's wrong about living in your dreams or living, in reality, I just want to share what I feel. 
 
LENSES OF REALITY

I come from a family who has loved me more than I think I deserved to be loved. If I was a character in a film, my backstory would be that of a spoiled brat. A year of introspection, however, has made me a little less spoiled brat, and maybe, I don't know if I am right right now but maybe this decision of leaving the country is the correct one. See, I love filmmaking, I love love films, and trust me if it was just me I would never be more than two centimeters away from a camera and a script but turns out, film making is not only about having passion, it's not like writing a book or painting a picture, turns out it requires a lot of "money" and for a guy who doesn't have "a lot of money" turns out it's quite an expensive passion to have. And yeah I mean I can probably struggle for years to get my films funded heck I can even do a part-time job that pays me one thousand rupees a month and make my films that way I mean other people have done it right? So why can't I? Well, there are few complications. 

FEW COMPLICATIONS

 I am 20 right now and the family members who currently look after the family are growing older day by day. After four years when I will be 24 I might be the only suitable source of income in the family. Yes, my mama will probably be working at his 50s because he just loves editing and it doesn't require much physical work but I don't want him to constantly be the only person who brings in the required amount of money. I have a dad who wants to come back home after living in abroad and working for about 10 years as a driver for a big company. He will reach his 50s soon too. I have a mother with dreams of visiting a foreign land, of seeing clouds through the window of her plane, and an aunt who dreams of visiting the oceans. I have another mama who owns a good-looking shop in Nepal, and he dreams about living in peace where he doesn't need to work anymore. I also have my mother's sister who just wants to tell everyone that her son has made her proud. So yeah- I have a few complications. 

See chasing your dreams is something that everyone in their lives should do. I believe that there is nothing more satisfying than the feeling you get when do something you love. I myself get chills down my spine every time I see "Written and Directed By Dipen Maharjan" but after a year, after thinking about things over and over again, after thinking about my grandmother and her life which I had vaguely understood I think maybe the correct way to chase a dream is to open your eyes and look around you, look at yourself, look at the people you owe and then decide what's the right road to follow. Sure I can become a good filmmaker someday because I honestly love love films and I will never stop making films even if I am broke or something, I will make a movie with just my mobile phone maybe even with only a pen and a paper I will never stop making movies but I also know that till the day I actually get something made that earns money till that day my family will also be struggling beside me and to be honest I think they have struggled enough. 

Heck I might be wrong again like I was last year, this might just be the thoughts of a naïve child who is separating from his family, this might be something I am writing not for anyone else but me, to convince myself that what I am doing is right and maybe I might come back to write another blog next year where I tell you that I cry myself to sleep every night because I haven't eaten a properly cooked rice in America and my girlfriend punches me every day, (its a joke I know you won't punch me, I hope you don't) and I might say this was a wrong decision, the worst decision of my life maybe I should have stuck back at home with the beautiful road and my friends who share the same dream as me. Guess we will figure it out then won't we? It's like a cliffhanger, will Dipen make it or will he be broken? Stay tuned- 

Until then, or maybe tomorrow, I don't know, I am living in uncertainty, so yeah. See you or not. Don't know. So until I write again- follow your dreams but with your eyes wide open.