Leaving dreams to Chase Money, a small blog about why I chose to do it

 Leaving Dreams To Chase Money

a small blog about why I chose to do it 

You wake up someday. The room is just like it used to be. Just like it has always been. The sun is shinning through the big windows you installed a week ago. You think to yourself, " Oh shit, another day to go through." You try to wake up. Your back hurts a little more than it did yesterday. You need to take a deep breath before you rearrange your skeletal system like you have been doing for the past 20 years but today it isn't rearranging instead fracturing (into little pieces that stick out of your skin like tiny hairs do). 

"Well, it is what it is", you say to yourself and move along the wall, grabbing the dry paint with your wrinkled hands. A device rings on the left pocket of your night gown that has been dry washed three times in the last two weeks. You try to rotate your hand in an angle as to not hurt yourself but end up failing. Crack !!. Another bone. "Well, it is what it is." you say to yourself. 

This new device is weird as fuck. It's not like the iPhones you used to carry or the Samsungs your dad gave you. You take few seconds to find out where the button is to pick the call up. You are a Gen Z now, like boomers used to be.

    " Hey Dad ! How are you?" 

    " Fine" you say with few broken bones and tiny hairs sticking out of your skin. 

    " We are coming to visit you this Sunday, if that's okay with you." 

    "Sure" you think about your wife for a brief second, "How's your mother?" 

    "She's fine. Alright pop, see you then." 

    "Will she come to?" 

    CLICK. THE DEVICE CUTS OFF. 

It's been 10 years since the divorce. You were 53 then, young and wild, a new revolting film director with hot chicks all around, or that's what you like to perceive yourself  as. You live in a mansion. Mostly alone, sometimes with Rajkumar, your cook, who gives you food with little salt because that's how he prefers to eat.

YOU HAVE DONE IT. YOU HAVE MADE IT. YOU ARE LIVING YOUR DREAM.  YOU ALWAYS WANTED THIS. A MANSION. A CAREER THAT EVERYONE WILL REMEMBER YOU FOR. YOU CHASED YOUR DREAM AND GOT EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED. 

But did you really chase your dream though? 

What was your dream? 

Was it to be this? A lonely artist hidden under immense wealth? 

I know the topic of this blog and my discussion of the topic seems hypocritical but bear with me all of this has a point (mostly), 

I left Nepal, a month ago or like years ago depending on when you are reading this. I had a dream back home, like Martin but Scorsese not Luther. I wanted to direct, direct films. Write films, edit films, live films. I tried to do it for two years and decided to leave the nation and study IT. Yes!!!, I know directors struggle for years and years and years to make movies and it initially seems like I gave up in just two. Well, that's not exactly the case. 

See, I don't think we Nepalese have the privilege to compare ourselves with these foreign film makers. We don't belong to their tribe. We don't have the privilege to be like the main lead of INTO THE WILD or run  away to chase girls like ETHAN HAWKE from Before Trilogy. We just can't afford it. 

Let's say you decide to run away from your family and home and responsibilities to chase your dream of being an independent filmmaker. Where will you run to? Biratnagar? Gulmi ? Manang? They don't have Los Angeles there or New York or even Mumbai there. 

I believe as you grow older, you start to see your dreams differently. Your dreams start to make more sense then it used to. You were a bull back then and the red handkerchief was your dream but as you grow you start to understand that you don't need to put your horns directly into the red handkerchief, maybe just maybe, YOU CAN BUY ONE. 

You start to realize that the world is too cruel of a place to live with what you love. The system of the world isn't meant for you to MAKE IT and I know people do MAKE IT, but what about the peoples who don't? What about the lives that got wasted chasing these DREAMS? What about the visionary director who never made films because he /she didn't have any money or nobody believed in him/her? What about those aspiring actors that don't fit into the system of current Nepali industry and have spent years trying to be the main lead of a film that is already booked for Anmol KC or another actor who is a friend of another director. 

See we don't talk about those dreams. Those people who died chasing it. We talk about the WINNERS and only the WINNERS. And I don't think I can be the WINNER. I have a lot of responsibility on my shoulder to just say fuck it and run away to go to Gulmi to be a film director. I can't afford to chase dreams or producers or waste my youth (the only age where I can wash maximum dishes and not eat for a day). 

SO I DECIDED TO CHASE MONEY. 

I might not earn much here in Canada but I will earn a little. I will save that, bring it back home and make a film. The film might flop, the film might not. If it flops, I come back to Canada, save a little more money, come back home and make another film. That way, I don't have to be the bull to chase the handkerchief. I can just buy one. 

I CAN BUY MY DREAM BECAUSE NOTHING IN THIS WORLD COMES WITHOUT MONEY, except tiny hairs on your skin. 

So what was the point of the story that is written in the first segment of this blog you may wonder. Why did this stupid fuck made me read a story about myself where I have a mansion and few broken bones, you may wonder. Well the answer is clear: 

I just thought it would be funny to start the blog that way and keep you hooked until the end. The story has no point, its just a reflection of what I think my future will look like. I kinda hope it does look like that and kinda not. 

k. Bye.