THE MASCULINE URGE TO KILL YOURSELF

 THE MASCULINE URGE TO KILL YOURSELF 

From what I heard about Hemingway. He seemed like a decent guy. An alcoholic who has a generational battle against suicide and has had his head bashed more times than he can count which has made him suffer and mad for years. Yep, that sounds like a decent average guy.  He killed himself when he was sleeping next to his wife. He shot himself with a shot gun. Like a decent average guy. I mean, who wouldn't kill themselves if the burden of mental illness would take over your brain so much that the best way to live is to not live. A decent average guy is someone who has forgotten to live but unlike Hemingway he just shot his soul and not his brains. 

I have always been vocal about my distain against suicide. "The cowards way out". I always believed that people who commit suicide are just pathetic weaklings who would die anyway by the chain of nature. By survival of the fittest. By how the world would just gurgle them and spit them out with no mercy. I always believed that life was meant to be tough, that the world was meant to be harsh and if you can't survive here sure, just take your way out. BUT I WAS WRONG. VERY VERY WRONG. It was the masculine urge of being masculine that made me as blind as a bat in face of the sun. I was overtaken by the naiveness of a young hustler and a young workaholic who was trying to find a way out of this matrix and would pitch my insecurities against those who gave up. 

See I still do think some people who commit suicide are stupid. Especially the young ones, like I had a friend's friend kill himself over a girl who didn't give a fuck about him. Why would you do that? Why have that urge to kill yourself over a stupid bitch? And to have your whole life, YOUR LIFE be so pathetically valued that you would kill yourself over a minor phase just seems stupidly stupid to me. And I  am talking about this because I want to make myself clear and the next paragraphs that will follow aren't for these dumb kids who kill themselves as a trend or as a way to show love. I mean I kinda see where they are coming from. When I was a teenager, I had a girl cut herself to show that she loved me. I was traumatized back then too even when I was in the emo phase cause I valued my life then and do so now. Anyway. 

THE PERSON I WANT TO TALK ABOUT 

Recently, there was a man in Nepal who burned himself in front of the prime minister. Before he went up and did that he wrote a very long post that had all his loses and his pain and his thoughts listed out. He was so dusted and beaten by life that the only way for him to feel better was to kill himself. The only way out of the misery was a way out of Living but he wanted to go with a bang. At least in his death, he wanted to fight back against the world that defeated him. At least in his death he wanted to retaliate and bring forth the voices in his head to the world. He tried to do that. He burned himself in front of the Parliament House. In front of the Prime Minister's jeep. He killed himself in the street where there were countless people watching. He wanted them to see and hear him. He wanted to at least contribute after he died. But Nepal didn't give a shit. It moved on. Nothing happened after he did that. He simply became a trend in TikTok and instagram. People posted about him and then forgot. There was a rally in support which ended the same day. He passed away like he lived. Unheard, Battled and Full of Regrets. 

Now this is where, my perception about suicide changed. I slowly began to see why people commit suicide. Why people kill themselves. Why people think that's the only way out. 

When life gets hard. When the world feels larger. When each step you take is heavier than the last and the road ahead is getting more and more slippery, people give up. Some of them settle on a temporary hut on the side and return home. Some try their best and slip and end up where they began. Some shoot themselves. Some lay down and stay where they feel tired and some make it to the destination. The problem with those SOME WHO MAKE IT is that they believe they have the privilege to look down on the people who are still walking the road. They come up with the " HUSTLE CULTURE". The seek and you shall find culture. The build your own door culture. The get money and be happy culture. They sit in their jacuzzi and talk down to people and with their positions of influence argue the importance of money in one's life. And the ones on the road look up to them and feel degraded and lost. They loose track of their life, their love, their successes and see what they have as not enough. Not enough to survive on. They then proceed to kill themselves because they can never be someone on the end of the road. 

I can see why people end their life. I can see why people end their sufferings. I can see how the world is shaped now especially for young people like me to have the masculine urge to kill themselves because right now the world only wants you to be rich. It doesn't want you to be happy, it wants you to FLEX. it wants you to show others that you are happy. It wants you to be strong and hide your sadness, tuck it away in the corner. It wants you to bury your wounds and pretend that the mirror selfies you take with your iPhones are making you shine. It wants you to forget about your dreams, your goals, your emotional desires. It wants you to die and have the masculine urge to kill yourself if you aren't hustling. 

So yeah. I now can kinda see where the urge comes from. I understand dying people. Life can be a bitch and the world can be bitter. But saying all this, I still don't think we should kill ourselves. I still do think there is a better alternative to all this suffering, 

WHATS THE ALTERNATIVE? 

We have one shot at life. We will die and become dust particles anyway. I mean, aren't we all suiciding very very slowly?  Imagine watching a very interesting film and someone turns off the projector before the climax. Someone tells you to fuck off the theatre and hides rest of the film from you. You will never know the whole story of the film. Maybe the Titanic never sinks. Maybe the Avengers never fight against Thanos. Maybe Salman Khan dies before crossing the Pakistan border. You will never know the ending if you cut the film off in between. I would at least like to see how my story ends cause who knows, the world is so fucked that I might be the next Scorsese or the next dead guy who got in an accident. Well to know that I have to survive and I have to see the whole picture. The alternative, as stupid as it sounds is, LIVE. 

LIVE FOR THE PLOT

THE MASCULINE URGE TO LIVE