Porn, Loneliness and Sex

Porn, Loneliness and Sex  

Aged 11, I found some nudes online. It triggered an emotion in me that was always hidden behind the curiosity of a child. I had always liked girls. I had a crush on my classmates when I was studying at grade one. I had always flirted with the idea of my crush liking me back, even though I was very very young. But this was a different feeling all together. It was a sensitive mix of emotions that raged and stirred up my body with chemicals I had never felt before. That naked body of a woman introduced me to what we now call "sexual desires" and that was the first time I felt LUST. 

But, before we proceed, let me tackle how at age 11, I saw nudes just so we can get it out of the way and I don't get reported for this blog. 

Explanation for safety

I had a tic tac phone, the one where we press buttons. It had a sim card that could barely connect to a 2G network but at that time, around 2013, 2G was enough.  Few days ago, while I was playing cricket with my friends, an older brother from my neighbourhood had called me up as he was laying next to a tree. He must have been around 14 at that time and he was with his friends. They were laughing and making weird hand gestures as I walked up towards them. He held my shoulders and told me to stare at the phone he was holding. It was I think, an old nokia, the colourful one. I looked at his phone, it was a picture of a naked woman. He glanced over my shoulder and got close to my ears and asked me, "What do you see?". Instinctively I knew it was not good for me to watch such things but I couldn't help it. "That's breast ", I replied. They laughed as he pushed me away and I didn't think much of it. I just assumed it was a normal thing to do cause I had seen breasts before. The thing that constantly hung on my mind were the hand gestures, breasts were normal/natural those hand gestures were not. 

I went home that day and forgot about it. I didn't mention it to anyone cause it got wiped off my memory. The only thing I could remember was funny hand gestures. It was, I found this out way later, hand gesture that signals mastrubation but at that time I thought it was a cool thing that cool kids do. So, the very next day, after school when I was playing carom board with my uncles I made that hand gesture. I got slapped, the only time my uncle has slapped me. Initially I was like what- why? My uncle stated, " It's a vile sign and if he sees me doing it again. I am going to get harsher punishments." He also asked where I learned it from but I didn't budge, I was a loyal child after all, wouldn't rat anyone out.  

That night I stole my uncles phone. The tic tac phone. Yes, I did mention earlier it was mine but whatever. 
So I hid underneath my blanket and the curiosity, hear me out it was just a CURIOSITY to understand why I got slapped, what was so vile about that hand gesture and why did I get the instinct telling me that it was wrong for me to see such images. So I searched it up. BREASTS, I typed on the browser and that's when I first saw a nude that evoked the emotions.

Now with that out of the way,

Lets get into the nitty gritty of this blog,

PORN

Porn has been a taboo subject for all of us, especially where I am from. Everyone watches it but no one talks about it. It's as if it's an imaginary thing that hides behind the closet and nobody dares to open the closet. Even me, I find it very difficult to talk about it, talk about it's existence and implications especially with people younger than me. But the thing is and I believe it is a fact, kids are getting introduced to porn at an age where it can actually be really destructive to their brains and the way they perceive the world around them. 

Porn sites asks us a question when we enter it, " Are you above 18 ?" and it gives us two options, Yes and No. If you can find me a boy, in his teens, who pressed No and went on to do whatever teenage boys do I will put a 1000 dollars on my credit and give it to you. See its how weak the entire system is, how accessible porn is to everyone. And I am not here to complain about it, I am not an angry old man trying to moralize everyone about the toxicity of the modern youth, NO. I am writing this because I myself know the implication porn has on a young mind. 

Most of us adults, I find it a little funny when I call myself an adult but- most of us adults know that what they show in porn is not the reality, it's acting, it's a crude way of showing the process by which two bodies connect. But young minds, privy to bodily changes and no one to explain what's what are really sensitive to observing all these and interpreting it as the way the process works.  And the sad part about all of this is, no one ever corrects them, no one points out what's what and even when they genuinely ask something, they are usually laughed out of the room or taken very lightly. 

I was in Grade 9 when we had a chapter that got into the topic of genitals and obviously as a boy in his teens, it would have been the funniest chapter ever but it was never taught. For some reason, my teachers just completely glossed over the topic. They skipped it. Grade 10, almost the same thing. I had to find out about all of this by actually experiencing them and I was very poorly prepared, not to say my family didn’t try to make me aware about it. They actually did. My dad and I had a conversation about sex and I had a conversation about it with my uncle as well but it was one of the most awkward conversations I have ever had and it was only triggered because I had a girlfriend and now my actions had serious implications. 

Anyway, when a kid has curiousities that aren’t fullfilled or answered, there stays a blank. A gap. A void. And, most of the time, especially for young boys “porn” fills in the blanks when it comes to sexual queires. It lingers around their minds and hover arounds their conciousness and the sad part about all of this is, they lose control. They lose control of what’s real and what’s not and slowly, it’s not the person consuming the porn but the porn consuming the person. It messes up your perception about other genders and a young mind starts to objectify people in a such a disgusting way that if one’s taken into their minds, they will see horror. And I believe, I speak for everyone who has been watching porn although not scientific, the addiction is real. The urge to mastrubate is real and the urge to keep on going deeper and deeper into already murky part of the internet is real. And someone needs to talk about it before it’s too late and not wait until the only blank left to fill is you yourself. 

LONELINESS

The emotion that triggers the sexual desires leads to wanting more because the last thrill of excitement is not enough and that’s when you start seeking for more and more and more. Now, consider this, you are a 17 year old boy and have not yet had sex but you have dwelled into porn so much that your expectaitons or your perception on how to make love is totally based off watching porn. How do you think you will be reacting against your lover. Maybe you will try to choke her, or slap her or do all the weird things they do in porn because for you that’s what it is, that’s sex and when reality hits, when it turns out that sex isn’t this mystifying thing where you try hard and dominate but a process for you to explore each other and love each other, you start to seek for an alternative. Your lover isn’t enough. Your perception of her changes, your perception of women in general changes. The actors in your phones seem realer than the person in front of you and then you slowly lose yourself to the flow of the fakeness porn projects on you. 

Your childish brain has consumed so much of these projections that you can’t help but dwell into LUST and the desire to watch porn increases. And that is when Loneliness walks into the picture and breaks you apart and by the time you experience, actual real process of making love, you understand what porn did to you. It made you isolated from the world, from reality and took you into this journey where it showed you things, YOU wanted to see and YOU wanted to feel but at what cost? 

SEX

It's beautiful isn't it? To feel someone you love so close. To feel their presence and their emotions go through your body. Sex is a beautiful process and eventually most of us experience it. Before I put out my somewhat controversial take on sex, I want to make one thing clear, I am not against people having sex with people they've just met or the more logical way to put it would be, I don't give a shit if you are having sex with someone. This is my perception and how I like to think of sex. 

Why would I hold someone if I don't love them? What's the point of having that physical release when the emotions in you stay caged? I believe sex is supposed to be liberating. The bed, a place for you to let go of yourself, let go of your life and your worries and your pain and sufferings and most importantly, let go of your selfishness. But Porn promotes something else and so does western society's perception of sex. Don't get me wrong, my country is fucked too we just don't talk about it but as it's easier for me to address the western perception of sex I will use that to point out something I do not like about it. 

It's just too casual. I don't get it. I mean I understand that there is something to gain physically but isn't making it very very casual and hooking up with everyone making it less important? I am all in for sexual liberation and all that woke shit and you know just go find yourself and you're young have fun bullshit but still, from my perception sex is just too personal. It's just too complicated and touching and you know, naked. I don't know man, maybe its just how I grew up and what I experienced but when you truly love someone and you kiss them and they kiss you back, it's really special and I just think porn fucks that up. 

Well, that's it. That's my two cents on Porn, Loneliness and Sex. If you have read it till here, wow, congrats. Feel free to message me in my instagram and tell about your perspective or if you disagree feel free to text me and we can have a fun debate. Anyway, I guess I am growing older and the older I get the annoyed I get of how the world works and these blogs are such a warm place for me to speak and you know, not feel threatened. I have a lot to say and a lot to write and just stay with me.