Heal first fix later

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 Aug 5, 2024 

It's easy to blame someone else. It's easy to blame your surroundings and your situation. It's easy to look at them and find flaws. It's easy to hide and tuck yourself in the corner so no one notices your scars. It's easy to hide, not only from everyone but from yourself too because facing you, facing yourself is one of the hardest encounter you will ever have. :- 

Facing my self, I will be 22 on October 1, 2024

Over the last few month, I have been analyzing my flaws, unconsciously. I have realized that I am a very insecure person. Very insecure about my personality, about my appearance and about my conscious thoughts. I am overly aware about my surroundings and the moods that fly on the air around me. If someone looks down at me, I feel upset. If someone looks up at me, I feel great. I have that tendency to depend my internal feeling on how the world treats me and sometimes I even seek for validation, validation for my decisions or my pain or validation for the clothes I wore today. I seek for people who are suffering, not to heal with them but to find pleasure in their pain. It makes me feel better about mine. When I see people that are even more hurt and more confused than I am, it makes me feel better and the reverse is true too. When I see people succeed, my consciousness forces me to look down on them and spite them. I call them "undeserving" and "lucky" and proceed to butcher their opinions and stances.

 Lately, I have been more aware about an even deeper flaw, a flaw I rarely touch upon. An inherent flaw. 

I categorize myself as the "Good guy" but inherent no such qualities. This is in context of having female relationships. I have always considered myself to be "a good loving guy" who is not understood by the females around because of them being "unaware" of what "love" should feel like. I blame their female gazes that don't see beyond my appearance and my quiet-ish not very outgoing personality. I have been unable to find a common ground with them and myself. I either seek for sexual gratifications or obsolete blockage. I have been unable to make proper female friends because of my inner tunnel visioned self. Unknowingly I have grown to despise all the female companions that I meet, not because of who they are but because of what I seek. I tend to seek, this again is unconscious,  acceptance. I tend to seek sexual impulses and selfish needs. I tend to seek "the love I deserve" and tend to seek my true self in their gazes. 


I am a flawed person. As flawed as a man in his 20s can be.  And today, I am not going to blame anyone, or create a self victimization around myself to make it easy to face me. Today, I am going to let myself know these raw flaws and seek for guidance to deal with these very flawed emotions.

If some of you are disappointed on reading this, I apologize. These blogs are a way for me to cope with life. Writing these however I still seek for validations, posting this on the instagram story I seek for your approval but more then ever today, I am seeking to heal myself first and fix relations later. Because I have ran away from all of these feelings for a long time now. I have to look into me and be able to look into you and love you. I hope someday I land on my feet and become not a "good man" but a 

"Good human being"

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These blogs are a time capsule for me. Just in case I grow old without dying I can look back at my thoughts when I was about to reach 22 and perhaps laugh or feel sad then. However if life is fated to end earlier, I will still have these up there so after my death people won't just call me "Dipen Maharjan, a good loving person who wanted to make films" guy but a "complex person who hated the world sometimes and sometimes loved the world and wanted to make films and fall in love but at the same time wanted to sleep and run away from girls and friendships and everything in between" guy. 


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