I wish I could write about you

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JUNE 22 5:58 PM 

I would love to tell you that I am doing great and living my 20s as I should be. I'd love to tell you that I laugh a lot and smile and tell jokes. I'd love to tell you that the new friends I have made here make me feel like you did. I'd love to tell you that I am living my life as if it was a movie. I'd love to tell you that I fall in love like I did before. Before- before- 

But I'd be lying- I'd be lying. 

I wish I could write about you 

On the door's rim, 3:00 am in the morning. I was in a pub with friends. I was blackout drunk and it didn't feel nice like it used to. This drunk was a different drunk, a bad drunk. I was leaning on the door of men's washroom. In my hand I had my phone. I had your contacts on it, one click away. I could have pressed it and that would have been that. I could've called you again like I have done over the last few months. But- on the door of the pub that my friend insisted to go to- I felt something I never felt before. I felt- 

Hopeless

I raised my brows and looked up to the table and saw my friend mumbling. I looked down again, your phone number. I felt- there's no point to all of this. Life happened. We're done. 

I then felt like singing a song. A song about a dead parrot that has lost all of its colours. And then I proceeded to drink more. Partly because my friends were drinking and partly because it was hurting. 

We then started to play a game. One person asks a question and the other responds with the first thought that comes in your brain. It was fun, there were some light hearted questions then turned into discussions and I was laughing as much as a bad drunk guy can laugh. 

"Who is the love of your life?", someone asked me. 

You. You were my first thought. But I turned around and looked away for a bit. Tried to laugh it off. Tried to talk about something else.  Aashish realized it. He sees things in me before everyone else because we grew up together and I think childhood friends can feel certain things others can't. He tried to take the conversation away too but the person insisted. I couldn't spit out your name. Aashish did it for me. Then I went on to act as if nothing was wrong. I drank more. More and more. 

I don't remember walking out of the pub or landing on my bed. I woke up the next day, terribly hungover. It didn't feel good. I made a fun little video to post in my instagram story to show people how cool I was. And then life went on. I went to shoot a graduation ceremony came back home, Aashish was just leaving for his work. I sat on my bed and started editing. Everything was okay. Repressed. 

But then- I had to, for some reason, I had to open up the folders I have you in. I did. I smiled. For some other reasons, my brain doesn't like to delete the past. Heck- I even have pictures of my girlfriend from grade 7. I looked at our photos and pictures and memories. I smiled and I felt like telling you all about how much I smiled and how much life was tough and you know, how I've been but I couldn't. I cannot.  I realized this is 2024 and the folder that I had the pictures of your departure was 2021. I might not know you anymore. The thing is, I think I do understand life a little better now. I see how some wounds cannot heal and some threads can't be tied. I was always a fighter. Fighting against life but now- I've realized sometimes it's inevitable. We will lose. There's nothing we can do about it. Sometimes I cuss us for our stupidity. For thinking that we could have won against life. Sometimes I cuss at myself, for all the wrong decisions that led me here and sometimes I cuss you for not being able to hold on more. But then- I have this existential realization that maybe it was never meant to be. 

So with that thought I went on to write this blog. Initially I was just trying to write a cool thing- as I started writing it just became heavier and I am sorry for that. 

-------SOME COOL THINGS THAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT---------

Now that I have confessed, I feel a little better. To whoever is reading this, you just read a heavy hearted confession. The sad thing about this is that now that I am 21, this doesn't feel normal. There are some people that I can talk to but honestly speaking currently no one actually cares about what I have to say, its been quiet a while since I started to hold things close to my heart and not spill and that is I think taking some toll on me. This also feels very inappropriate, talking about my past and my feelings like this. I feel like I shouldn't post this blog. I shouldn't let it be out there because my friends are going to tell me how stupid this is.  My brothers are going to see how broken I am and they are not going to like it. She might not like it either. It just feels like I am dragging out the pain more then I should but- let me ask you this dear reader. What else can I do? What else can I do? - Can't I at least grieve a little sometimes? 

So I say, fuck it. It's going to be posted and it will be shared with my close friends. If you read it and you feel like this blog weakens my image, it's okay. I am flawed. You are too, at least I have the fucking guts to experience pain and not hide from it and if you are hiding from your pain, its okay too. I understand.

Life fucks us all. 

--------------------------------------------If this hurts, I apologize-----------------------------------------------------

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