When it gets a little difficult

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So I've decided to not release these blogs out to the world.

Firstly, cause I got banned off instagram and facebook because of the title of my last blog "You need to bleed a little" haha, cowards. 

Secondly, I think writing these blogs can stay personal and people who know me, already know I write these blogs so if they want to read it, they will look for it. 

So now, that's out of the way. Let's begin. 

WHEN IT GETS A LITTLE DIFFICULT 

I'd say it gets more and more difficult as time passes by and I would love to disagree with it but I can't anymore. They say wounds heal over time. I'd say, no, it's not healing per say, its still there just laying, chilling in your skin. It's fine if you don't touch it but if accidentally something does, you bleed. You bleed the same way you bled when it first came to be. The scars might be old but the feeling it bursts upon your skin will never be. 

I was in the shower couple days ago. I had a good day. I am actually doing fine for myself right now. Working as a video editor, trying to make movies, trying to you know just have a good body and stuff. But- that day, I was just showering. I wasn't thinking much. Nothing really. And then, tears came out. Out of no where. It just started coming out. It wasn't a pain in my heart. It wasn't a pain my body. It was just tears flowing from my eyes. I had to grasp that feeling for a second before I realized what was happening. I fell down on the shower. I cried, then it came back. I cried because I was getting overwhelmed by adult life. I cried because all I wanted to do as curl back in bed with my grandma and listen to her. I cried because I felt alone and mind you, I have been alone for a long time now. Ever since my girlfriend left me a year ago, I've been alone, mostly. 

By alone, I don't mean alone physically. I am mostly surrounded by people and have about 5 interactions with 5 different people per day but all of them are mostly from work or my career of making films. I talk with one of my friend back home but it feels more like a you know,  it feels like he looks up to me and I can't shatter myself in front of him or for the matter of fact, I can't shatter myself even in front of me because I don't have that option anymore. I have to keep on fighting and keep on pushing and you know keep on GROWING UP because that is what you're supposed to do. 

I miss being vulnerable with my grand ma. As a kid, I always was a rather vunerable guy. Not one of those tough kid who hides their tears. I'd rather cry all the time. But you know I guess, life happens and the world is not for the weak and I guess everything that has happened to me to this date has happened for a reason and I do have a path to struggle on. 

I also miss being vulnerable with my now ex girlfriend. We were kids back then but it was nice. You know laying in bed and there's nothing more to worry about. The world's problem lays outside your door. Inside you just exist with your lover and nothing more. I miss that. I don't know if I miss her or the feeling I had in me with her more. But I guess time had to move on from us. Real world was waiting and you know, things happen and I guess everything that happened between us, happened for a reason and I do have a road to navigate. 

But I'd be lying if I say, I want to ride this wave alone. I'd give my right eye to be with someone who I can shatter with. I've rather grown to be more inclosed now and I hate it but I don't really have any options. You know when you want to speak but no one wants to listen and you just stop speaking. Plus, I have become more cynical. Hateful even. I don't like some of my close friends anymore and I don't know why. I've become more enclosed with the people I was comfortable with.  I'd rather not be like this but I guess all of this has a meaning too and will somehow make a way for me. 

Because- 

See, what I have felt is even with  all these hardships and pain and suffering, I still walk. I haven't stopped and God or my bajai or something is guiding me to a destiny that lies beyond my current understanding of life. I have this feeling inside me that I am destined to be someone. I am destined to be someone that will be proud of myself and even with the flaws and pain I carry. I do believe that Dipen is a good person by heart, he is complicated, sometimes very obsessive, sometimes lazy and most of time bears a great deal of hate for his fellow friends but he can also be loving and hard working and you know, happy. 

November 1, 2024. I see myself,  reading this back again after I make my first film and feel better than I do now. God bless me. Bajai you will always be here with me. And for her, I don't know if I love you anymore but I do carry you with me. All together, bless me and make me a better man. 

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