Why is everyone so bad ?

 Dec 28, 2024

Small recap before going into the topic

I have been working towards my dream. Working on a post production of a short film, trying to get a spec commercial done, slowly getting my life back together after countless time it fell apart and it has been falling apart because of me myself as I cannot mentally be stronger and hold myself together all the time. As the year closes by, I have kinda shutdown myself to work harder which is pretty weird cause I am not doing it voluntary. It's just the mind itself telling me to relax at the end of the year, the only issue is that I am in no position to relax and can't let my days go to waste. So I am trying to get back at fixing the mess I created inside myself in the past week and getting back to working hard and focusing on where I want to be. 

Okay, now that's done, here's what I want to talk about. 

Recently I had an experience of socializing. Yes, I do socialize sometimes, now and then. I was socializing and I just looked around the room.  (I was a little high, tipsy but nothing major),  And I saw the people around me. Their faces, the way they talked, their touches, their actions, the way they thought about words before speaking, the way they were. I looked at them and deep inside felt this horrible pain, a sharp pain, a pain of empathy. I felt sad for them and when I say this, I don't mean to put myself up in a pedestal and claim that I am above everyone else, I am not. I am a deeply flawed human with countless rooms to grow myself but I looked at them and just saw how unaware they were of these humane flaws. These wants, these mysterious ache we carry for just existing. I felt upset over the fact that these people who in a respectful, scientific term would be considered my "friends" were nothing but very sad people just gathered up together to explode the baggage they have held inside for months or even years. 

Most of these people, when they spoke, spoke about pain, in some way. Some of them were comedically remarking about this, some of them were literally upset and some of them, you could just tell were hiding behind these fake masks and when the masks came off, they felt like disgusting humans. Okay, as I believe, some of my "closest people" will be reading this, I will go on and actually talk about each person and the thing I noticed that really bugged me and made me reconsider my perspective on so many things. So there it goes:- 

1. A girl who doesn't love her lover 

-  This is the one that made me want to write this blog actually. It has been a weird year for me when it comes to understanding relationships. Funnily enough, I was very clear about what Love was and about what relationships were when I was 18 but now as I am growing up I understand this less and less. The concept I have of love is tremendously challenged each time I have an interaction with a person who is in a "relationship". For me, love is supposed to be freeing, it's a feeling you get when you just lay in bed with your loved one and the only thing in your mind is how beautiful this flawed human being sleeping next to you is. I think, that's love, just this deep chemicals intertwining with each other to make you feel warm about the life you are living and yes it's definitely not as straight forward as that but you know it's two people doing things together to make it easier to live, easier to exist. ( I am only talking about romantic love, obviously). And I have held onto this thought even after things that challenges this concept has happened because for me love never fades away, it lingers and just over time hides under the immensity of life. It's like grief in a way. 

But yeah, this experience with this girl and it's not only her, really made me rethink about my perspective on love, I have this other close close friend with whom I experienced the exact same thing.

This girl, every time we are together, she just goes on this tangent about how much she doesn't like her boyfriend. How she knows that they will not work out and honestly just how much of a bum this guy is and she would never marry him. But- but- they have been together for a quiet a while now and this guy ( from the little I know about him ) seems like your average person who loves a girl. He seems kind enough and definitely has some  flaws but doesn't seem like a bad person at all and this is coming from someone who rarely likes people.  

So this girl doesn't want to be with this guy and is you know, touchy let's say, with other guys, but when confronted says she still "Loves" him. Huh. That is very very interesting. And this is again, not the first time I experienced something like this.  I had another friend who did the exact same thing and you know, just seemed to pretend, i guess, when the boyfriend was around but as soon as he is not, the girl just goes into how she despises being with the guy. And for me their perspective is just so bizarre. It questions my understanding of love. Why would you be with someone, if you don't "love" them anymore? I am assuming they still "love" them but they are just waiting for the perfect moment to leave them be so they themselves don't feel that hurt ? I guess? Again, I am just speculating here but this girl definitely made me rethink several things and just question if the Love I want even exists anymore or is it just an imagination I cultivated in me just so I could feel a little less upset about life because what they considered Love is not Love at all. Like if you honestly love someone but can't be with them anymore, as much as it hurts, you got to let go. You just got to you know, kill a part of you for them and that's not because you want to hurt them, no, that's because you love them. That is much more understandable to me then loving a person you actually hate. 

2. A guy who has been betrayed so many times

On the other tangent, there was this person I know about, although I am not very close to him, I know stuff, (godamit, this just feels like I am spilling some tea but this is supposed to be a reflection haha), So this guy has been betrayed, like objectively, betrayed so many times. He is a older guy in his early 30s and is trying to marry someone. And every time he has tried to do so, he has failed miserably, painfully, I'd like to add.  He has been cheated on countless times and just straight up used to just extract money in the name of relationships and I have always seem him as a victim but- there is a very specific reason as to why he is in this blog. 

Yes, he is a victim and yes he was cheated countless times and yes he is a very very sad person but I think as a man ( okay, toxic masculinity incoming ) you got to raise your head up, fight back and you know just keep going. Because the world is fucked and it is what it is, you can't control how someone else feels about you so you just got to wake up and keep on going and I do think this guy is doing it but at the same time just seeing how hopeless, he seems, which I understand, just makes me rethink about life's ultimate objective. Will I be like him in my 30s if I don't find love before it? It's funny how most of these humane issues come down to the bare need of wanting to be happy. But yeah, he just is a scary reminder to me to you know, fix myself up, get better and just hope destiny is written and I fall again, which honestly is very unrealistic (the destiny part) and unlikely (the falling part) 

3. The feminist 

I consider myself a person who respects all the genders, I do make funny jokes here and there but I want to see everyone around me happy and you know doing good and I rarely care about their genders but I am sorry to say this, your gender or sexuality or whatever the fuck you are doesn't have to be your whole personality. You don't have to be a feminist all the time. Like chill. I know woman suffer, I know the world has treated females harshly and LGBT people have suffered a lot as well, it honestly is still pretty bad but you can't argue with someone whose sole belief is that every time someone questions or wants to say something about them it's not because they might be the one doing wrong but it's more about attacking females and attacking you know the feminist idea. 

So basically what happened was, the (girl who doesn't love her boyfriend)'s boyfriend was calling the feminist and he wanted to see his girl because he was worried if she drank too much alcohol which she did. This small request went into being independent and why shouldn't she have the right to drink alcohol. Okay I am kinda exaggerating some parts here but it is very very similar to this. So this feminst, instead of showing the girl, questions the boyfriend about "why" would you want to see her and that is just so baffling to me. Like this isn't about being independent or you know being female and empowered and stuff like that. Like shut the fuck up, the world doesn't revolve around you. 

And all of this accumulates into the thought that, this feminist is a shallow person with nothing but spite in her heart. When one of her close friend was trying to vent his heart out about how heartbroken he was because of his recent experience, this girl was more interested on listening to the TEA then just listening.  Like how can you be so bad of a person? How can you- I don't even know, how do you exist like that? 

4. Lastly,  the author of this blog 

Okay, I have to do this, I can't just diss other people and you know feel good about it which is exactly one of my major flaws. Like I do like when people are happy and you know good but I also like when people are sad and broken. I find a joy in that, it makes me feel better about myself. Just to see how you know, down bad the world is, I can find peace in that, knowing I am not as down bad as they are. Oh god, that makes me an awful person but I am not going to deny that face. I honestly am not a good human being, sometimes. I have deep flaws on different perspective and most of the time I am fairly delusional about what life is. Even now, I believe what I said about love but again, I know I am border lining delusion because love just aint like that, you know. And when it comes to dissing people, I mean, I don't have the authority or anything to judge anybody. I am not good mentally myself and at times, I do go on tangents about how harsh this life is and how I am lost although I do know what I want to be in life. I am flawed and I despise people and more over, especially when I am in the subway, I despise people who seem to be in love. Like stop hugging guys I feel bad already. 

 Yeah, so that's that. I don't know if I will have a end of the year reflection, I will definetly write about 2025's aspirations and things that I am looking forward to but yeah, I guess this is the blog and I am sharing this with you all after a long time because I want you guys to know, everyone is flawed and you don't have to feel terrible about it. Everyone is bad. And if you feel like you're the baddest one just remember Hitler.