My Life Experience

"If all I see is your face, I'd rather be alone" 22 and October 22, Toronto, Ontario Look at the faceless gentleman in this painting. Sitting across the bar in his own space. The world outside is empty and the world inside "Phillies" is empty too, in a different way. With his head down, pointed at perhaps a glass of whiskey in front of him. I wonder what he's thinking. I can't tell because he is facing away from me. If he were to turn around, maybe I could have a hint of him. A hint of what he wants to say but he never will turn around and I will never know him.  But- even the faces I see, the couple in the painting. The lady in red and the gentleman in his lovely blue feel deserted. Their hands slightly touching but only "slightly". There is no sense of intimacy. They might go home and fuck for all I know but "make love" they will not.  The bartender who appears to be an old man positioned in such a way as if he is talking. Talking a...

Vivaldi's Winter in the background -  As I write this, I write this to you.  Upon first glance, you seem ordinary. Nothing spectacular about you. Your eyes are shaped like those average leaves that fall in fall. Your nose just a bump on your face that allows you to live. Your lips, mundane, colourless, fragile in winter and your body, ape-like. The only difference being, you can't climb trees and they can't create art.  This is what I see of you when I first meet you. I see your physical existence and my corrupted mind, before a word is spoken, looks at you and knows you or if I put it into correct words, pretends to know you . It pretends to know the meaning behind those meaningless tattoos and pretends to know about the hidden mole inside your mouth. It pretends to know why you cut your hair short and why you let it grow. It pretends to know why you listen to Taylor but secretly smile with Beethoven. It pretends to know more about you then you know about you. And you lo...

 So whenever you see a story about a blog I wrote in instagram, you are most likely destined to go into this hollowness filled with nothing but brisk dark void and a painful scream echoing in a distant. BUT NOT TODAY. Haha.  Today I am here, surprisingly, writing about happiness and again surprisingly with a very big smile and bright eyes, as bright eyed as a brown man can be and a shinning hope for life, colours, rainbows, sunshine. So what happened? How did I go from a sad blog writer to a happy blog writer in mere 32 days?    Well I fell in love.   I don't know how I ended up here but let me try to explain. I found myself staring at a giant graffiti on a building next to a Church where they apparently shot the boys, THE BOYS, as in the tv series not actual boys, but I don't know about that, churches are always very eerie to me, so some boys might have been shot inside as well, again I don't know about that. Anyway, so I was walking through the street and saw ...

 Aug 5, 2024  It's easy to blame someone else. It's easy to blame your surroundings and your situation. It's easy to look at them and find flaws. It's easy to hide and tuck yourself in the corner so no one notices your scars. It's easy to hide, not only from everyone but from yourself too because facing you, facing yourself is one of the hardest encounter you will ever have. :-  Facing my self, I will be 22 on October 1, 2024 Over the last few month, I have been analyzing my flaws, unconsciously. I have realized that I am a very insecure person. Very insecure about my personality, about my appearance and about my conscious thoughts. I am overly aware about my surroundings and the moods that fly on the air around me. If someone looks down at me, I feel upset. If someone looks up at me, I feel great. I have that tendency to depend my internal feeling on how the world treats me and sometimes I even seek for validation, validation for my decisions or my pain or validati...

July 29, 2024 - Today I felt like writing a long ass poem. I don't know why.  Title: As soon as you let your brain take over, you are fucked.  - People meandering on your thoughts, scars opens to be burned again,  The world would be kinder to you, only if you were open they said.   But how open can I be when it's all hollow inside?  You will have to search for words to describe me, words you will never find.  Complex as I may be, Flawed and a chunk of biological meat,  A common feeling of death rattles deep, beneath the scars you cannot see,  I'd enjoy life a bit more if the stars were to fall from the sky,  cause see, I'd enjoy life a bit more if the hollowness could say goodbye, but I guess it's a price you have to pay, to grow up and lead your way  the price of getting over 20, the price we all have to pay,  rhymes of words and hymns of pain, sharing a deep longing in my human brain,  the thoughts of feeling ever green ...

JUNE 22 5:58 PM  I would love to tell you that I am doing great and living my 20s as I should be. I'd love to tell you that I laugh a lot and smile and tell jokes. I'd love to tell you that the new friends I have made here make me feel like you did. I'd love to tell you that I am living my life as if it was a movie. I'd love to tell you that I fall in love like I did before. Before- before-  But I'd be lying- I'd be lying.  I wish I could write about you  On the door's rim, 3:00 am in the morning. I was in a pub with friends. I was blackout drunk and it didn't feel nice like it used to. This drunk was a different drunk, a bad drunk. I was leaning on the door of men's washroom. In my hand I had my phone. I had your contacts on it, one click away. I could have pressed it and that would have been that. I could've called you again like I have done over the last few months. But- on the door of the pub that my friend insisted to go to- I felt something...

 I HATE CHILDREN - a brief explanation about life at the age of 22 I am jealous of my young brother who is 7 years old. He called me the other day and showed me how much he enjoys this one web game, it was a funny game where you have to balance a toy car as it spins on top of a rotating disk. He likes to babble in english and surprisingly his english is not that bad. If he were to give an IELTS speaking test, he would range somewhere around 3.0 to 4.0, which is not that horrible considering he can't articulate his feelings properly and uses wrong words at the wrong time. His brain is still developing. Once when I was back home in Nepal he showed me the middle finger, just so, clueless about it's meaning, or at least I hope he was.  So, why am I jealous of him? I mean who wouldn't be? Look at him. Look.  He's small and a tiny tiny tiny human being. The whole world is his playground. He looks at the sky and sees faces in the clouds. He looks at the ground and it seems lik...